There is reasonable and unavoidable truth behind the choices I make. And none of them I no longer have to aspire to prove or explain to affirm myself or to anyone else that the decision being made is final or legitimate. Whether it’s quitting all common worldly opportunities for successful avenues for an uncredited evangelical school. Or deciding to have what is assumed and perceived to be a daring, irresponsible and stoic choice of an un-medicated home birth. Or choosing the ministry of full time motherhood over a career for more money, or the lime light of great church ministry. Or the route for health versus medical convenience and false safety. Or homeschooling my children without a teacher’s credential, understanding that character building in a child is primary over academic accomplishment (purpose vs. pride) in their lives. Parenting based upon out of the norm principals. And now, attending the class Life Skills, which seems un-spiritual and pointless.
And the truth behind the decisions I make provokes the mind to question, and inevitably pricks the heart which the carnality of our being would naturally have the tendency to deny, shrug our shoulders to, roll our eyes to, and simply dismiss. Why? Because the provoking challenges of its uncommon makeup, would be inconvenient to our personal lives and comforts for personal growth and change. And the truth behind them isn’t for me to prove what is right or wrong. Or so I have decided it isn’t so any longer. What I have chosen is in faith, to be Biblically responsible, reasoned behind true personal convictions, the pursuit of truth, and to rebel against the common and convenient traditions of man that have easily deceived us and pulled us away from the richest and most authentic experiences of personal growth, God, and life itself.
And I think it’s funny when I decide to learn something new or take a step of faith to do something different, challenging, opposite of the norm, and seemingly reckless, such as the ones I’ve mentioned, the eyes of those around me watch with curiosity. And some with slight judgement. Sometimes I admit i feel pressured and almost paranoid that some are watching and waiting for me to take a fall to prove that my reckless exploration and deciding, is unnecessary and “wrong”. It’s quite understandable really if the world skeptically watches and waits for the product of my decision to prove itself of whether or not it is worthy. Worthy enough for others themselves to invest their own time, life, faith, and money into. Better yet, the need for proof of a worthy benefit for the inconvenience and discomfort it will cost them. Sometimes I see it almost like, “let Eleanor be the guinea pig before I take the risk of trying it myself. And if something goes wrong, or I don’t see the results in her I’d expect, than I’ll know not to try it.”
And I’ve come to the resolve that I’m finally okay with that. Because I understand now that as humbling, yet freeing it is to admit that I have been in enslaved to proving myself for so long, I no longer want to live in that compliant, passive, people pleasing, codependent life any more. And as much as I long for others to taste a life of challenge, change, and sanctification, and the joy and possible depth in their relationship with God that comes with its inevitable discomforts, I finally understand that that is a decision that only an individual can make on their own. I am not responsible to persuade, inspire, or convince them to decide. They themselves are responsible to choose for themselves, inspired by their own convictions, wants, and needs. And I choose what I choose ignited by truth, conviction, personal desire, and in the liberty to live in faith. Exhale.